I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize