someone threw a dead crab at me
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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