cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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