Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
