The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize