i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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