It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
