my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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