He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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