I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
