Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
