In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
