Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
