she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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