You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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