I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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