There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Randomize
