it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize