it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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