I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
3 2 1 whiskey
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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