you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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