my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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