we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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