I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
