Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
