It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
