Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
