Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
