just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
