The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize