They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
