i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
