you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
