Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
