There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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