Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
