so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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