Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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