I need to stop coming to work sober
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
