just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
