my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
