i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
