Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
