Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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