Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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