I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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