So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize