so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
