Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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