by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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