Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
