You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
