Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
