she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
