I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
