So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
