My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
