Swine flu. Run for my life!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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