The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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