im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
